Remember how I told you last week I was going to a waterpark? Well, I did and it was awesome. It totally felt like summer — the temperature was 107 degrees! SJ brought a friend and I brought a friend and good times were had by all.

It’s nothing like this

There was one funny thing though. At the park, they have a “Lazy River.” I don’t know if you know about them but apparently they’re a feature in most waterparks. They’re these shallow manmade rivers with a slow current that propels people sitting on inner tubes round and round its course. My first experience with one was last year at this time at the same waterpark.

So, here’s the thing, this isn’t a gentle, leisurely activity as the name seems to suggest. It’s more like an “Active River.” Above the river they’ve got these overhead spouts that pound your head with gallons of rushing water if you float under them. And these jackhammer waterfalls are kind of unavoidable because when you’re wedged butt-down in an inflatable donut, you don’t have much range of motion to get out of the way. So, if you tried to close your eyes and let the river lazily float you along, you’d eventually be in for a rude awakening. What kind of sadist designed this?

It’s fun, don’t get me wrong. But where can I find a true “Lazy River”? Do they exist? I’ve literally only been to this one. Does a “Slothy-Shady River” exist?